TRIGGER WARNING: This post discusses the passing away of close relatives. Read at your own discretion.
Have you experienced that heart-clenching feeling when you think everything's fine just to find out that everything is NOT fine, but that you weren't told because someone didn't want to make you worry? I've lived that too. One day, just out of school, dad picking me up from school. Mom announcing that her aunt is at the hospital, has been for a while, actually.
Have you experienced that feeling when you decide it's time to make a change in your life? I have. Since I heard she was sick, I decided that as soon as my great-aunt was out, I was going to spend my afternoons with her, no matter what.
Have you experienced that heart-breaking feeling when you see your mother cry? I have. I had almost never seen my mom cry. The last time I saw her cry, she was sitting next to her grandmother's grave. She cried alone. Today, when she entered the door, I realized it had happened. My great-aunt was gone. I didn't say anything but I stopped reading to give her a hug. It was one of the first times I realized parents weren't made of stone, and that sometimes it was up to us to become the support for someone else. I absorbed some of her pain and stood with her in silence, but still listening if she ever needed anything. Even with everything she is living, she put on a brave face, and she got on her mom-mode. She took care of us, not the other way around. And I love her even more for that.
In a close-knitted family like ours, when someone is gone, everybody feels it. Loss is a part of growing up, after all. All of us, the children, the teens, lose a bit of innocence every time someone passes away. We get a reminder that nothing lasts forever, that no one is invincible and that our world seems a little bigger but also a lot emptier than it did before.
This is the first Life's File. I was hoping to make a first file with something happier, but this is what went up instead. Life is life, and sometimes isn't fair, it isn't happy or the best all of the time, and still, despite the sadness, the pain, the wish to ignore and pretend nothing is wrong, these feelings should also be let out.
Family is probably the worst feeling in the world if you're close to yours. More than a break up. More than an accident, More than watching a sad movie, more than watching yourself cry. It could be because most of those feelings you carry on your own, whereas family sadness feels like a thick blanket smothering your home, refusing to go until everyone under it feels ready to rip it away.
To my Aunt Lou: I give you the first place un my very own Life Files. I hope you rest in peace. Tomorrow I'll say goodbye, but I swear I won't forget you. Not now, not for as long as I live. I love you.
For anyone and everyone reading, if you're going through a loss, allow yourself to feel. Don't hold it in, as it is a part of grief. Feel all that you need to feel and say all you need to say. This site is always open for anyone that wants or needs someone to give a listening ear. You are valid. Someone cares about you.
